Update from RC

i am just going to post our entire conversation so far.

some very good stuff here.

he titled his email “fighting beta”.

from the alpharivelino@gmail.com inbox.

APRIL 8

Hey Rivelino,

I’ve been following you from the 1.0 version and I feel a kindred spirit regarding our struggles. I think that you’ll understand this.

I took the red pill last year and I have been making progress. But today I had a set back. One of my girls dropped out. Now, given that I have two others in the kitty, you would think that this would not be a problem. But I am in hurting. We had the perfect relationship. I like her and she loves me. And I can’t figure out why this hurts me so much. She’s not even a good long term prospect for me. She’s four years older than I am, she’s divorced and has three kids. That screams short-term fling at best. We dated off and on for about 12 months. But I reverted to hardcore betaness today. When I suspected that the relationship was changing, I called her three times and emailed her in between the second and third time. We went back and forth on Facebook chat. She told me that she can’t do this anymore. She was well-aware that I had other women on the side. I never hid this. She was fine with it for a while. I knew that this was not going to last. It’s just how women are. I really enjoyed my time with her. She was the top girl in my rotation. I even thought about dropping the two others for her, even though I know that she is not a good long-term prospect.

I’ve had oneitis before during my blue pill days. It really is debilitating. Those were dark days. I didn’t go out for weeks. I sat around sulking. Just thinking about the patheticness now is painful. I’m going through it again, even though I have two others in the kitty. I read The Game and I know that Mystery had a bad case on oneitis, even though he was pulling tail whenever he wanted it. I don’t know what the cure for it is. I went out tonight, but I wasn’t feeling it. I’m going out tomorrow as well. I have to find some other hobbies or activities to pull out of this. I will continue to work on myself and pull myself out of this. But this shows me just how much work I have to do to really inculcate an “I am the prize” mentality. It shows me how important inner game is. On the outside, I am confident and cocky. But I am dying inside right now. My frame is broken. I must strengthen it. I’m 35 and I trying to reverse 34 years of blue pill thinking and acting, and it is really, really hard.

Thanks for listening and keep up the good work on your blog. It really does help to know that there are other guys out there who have taken the red pill, but still struggle greatly in their journey to alpha.

APRIL 11

RC,

dude, awesome email.

“It really does help to know that there are other guys out there who have taken the red pill, but still struggle greatly in their journey to alpha.”

fuck yeah. i still struggle every day. i think this is an excellent topic. there are a lot of rooshes out there that talk tough — or are tough — and who really aren’t romantics, or something. i can’t figure it out exactly.

but there are a lot of other guys like you, like me, we feel a lot, and we hurt — and we’ve taken the red pill, but we still hurt.

i am going to discuss this more on my blog, will post your email without your name.

thanks for the email. you actually helped me, cause i am struggling with this whole alpha thing myself.

how’s it going, three days later?

ps. congratulations on having a fucking rotation, that’s money dude. wow.

tell me more about the other two.

APRIL 15

Riv,

Things are better. I even added a new employee to my corporation. I now have three in the rotation. Things are great when I’m out with friends or when I’m with someone else. But when I’m alone, I still think about her. I know that I am in a fragile state. If I were to see her now, I would probably regress again. One of my friends told me that I have to grow to the point that I don’t care. That attitude will, ironically, attract more women. But I’m not there yet. There is something about my personality that constant yearns for affection. But it is not a healthy affection. It is an obsessive affection. More a fear of loss and a lack of confidence in my ability to find someone new if she leaves. I find myself fighting with this anytime I meet a new women. I know that it’s not healthy. Even if I were looking for a LTR, this behavior would still be unhealthy. If I believe that she is the only woman I can get, I will inevitably regress to full beta and lose the woman. It’s a miserable paradox. So I must kill the beta. At the very least, I must tie him up like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction and only bring him out when necessary.

I also know that I need to adjust my attitude. Women should be a compliment to my life. Right now they are the focus. This is because I have seen results since I have taken the red pill. In 2010 at age 35 and still a blue pill man, I had 6 notches. After taking the red pill in February 2011, I’ve had 6 notches. I matched my total that took me decades to get in about a year after taking the red pill. I was a pathetic beta growing up. I remember in high school there was a girl I liked. One day I asked her for her number and she said she would give me a digit a day. And yes, I waited every day by her locker trying to get the next digit. In graduate school, I had oneitis for a girl I didn’t even date. I was paralyzed for a week when I found out that she was dating someone else. Yes, that is how pathetic I was. But I didn’t know any better. I was taught that it was my job to chase, to be persistent. To be myself, even though I was a pathetic, wimpy boy. All bullshit.

I remember Neil Strauss writing that many guys who are new to game become obsessed with it. They drop everything to get better at it. This is where I am now. I’m going out almost every night, working on my approach anxiety. I still suck. I get scared too easy. I still fear rejection. But I feel that I must conquer this fear. I must not fear women. So I continue. But I know that this too is not healthy. I need to better myself for myself. Learn a new skill. Learn a new language. Become a better version of me. I’m working on me. I hit the gym regularly and I have a goal of deadlifting 555 by the end of the year. I’m at 415 now. I’m thinking about entering a bodybuilding competition. I just need to get my diet right. I’m mostly paleo now and the results are coming slowly. I want to learn Spanish, French, and German. I’m becoming a real man. I have to see this setback as just that. A setback. A revelation that I have not evolved as much as I thought. But the good news is that I am not at all like the pathetic beta I used to be. That knowledge encourages me to keep going.

APRIL 17

RC,

awesome email again! dude you are inspiring me. you have matched your lifetime notch total in one year. that is bad ass.

that one digit a day anecdote made me groan out loud. chicks do all kinds of stuff like that. power trips. i used to fall for that shit too. no longer.

i also have a need for affection, and for companionship. i am working on learning to be on my own again.

MAY 5

RC,

hey what’s the update? have you tried reading the reader email essays by ricky raw, they are pretty intense.

http://therawness.com/reader-letters-1-part-1/

MAY 6

Riv,

I’m down to two in my rotation. The one who just left also wants a relationship or something. Whatever. I don’t have oneitis for her, though. Still fighting oneitis for the single mom, but it’s getting better. If I didn’t need to get laid regularly, I could focus on the things that would help me get laid regularly, like working out, improving myself, etc. I also don’t want to settle for a single mom with three kids just to get laid regularly. I like my lifestyle now. I don’t want to help raise another man’s kids. But I still am having a hard time internalizing an attitude of abundance. I saved Deti’s comments from Danny 504’s blog on my desktop:

You must remember at all times: THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER WOMAN. You can always replace a woman. There are many, many women out there. When (not if, WHEN) one breaks up with you, there will always be another. If you approach and she rejects you, there will always be another. If a date doesn’t work out, there will always be another.

But don’t use your knowledge of women or the principle of female abundance to mistreat them. Don’t blow her off, be a jerk, be rude, or be arrogant. There’s no reason for that. If you do that, word will get around about you, and women will avoid you.

You are going to be rejected a lot. You need to accept that now, deal with it now, and DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

Girls are going to break up with you. There is no getting around this. When this happens, you need to accept it, take the time to get over it, shake it off, and move on. If you did something to cause it, find out what it is (you will know what it is). If it was wrong or counterproductive, correct it so you don’t do it again with the next one. Don’t beg her to stay with you. Don’t ask for another chance or tell her you’ll change. Whatever you do, DO NOT get hung up on the idea that this girl is the only one for you. It is not true. If she did not like you, another one will. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER WOMAN.

I still have a hard time internalizing this. Even though I work on self-improvement, I still think that I’ll have to settle. But based on the stories of other men’s journeys to alpha, what I am going through is just part of the process. It’s painful to reverse so many years of beta behavior that have been internalized. But Rollo said something recently that really struck a cord with me:

The Beta mindset or AFCism (for lack of a better term) and all of its inherent frustrations are a disease, and like any disease, if left untreated, it will mutate into different forms as it progresses until it kills or debilitates the host.

And this:

The AFC mentality is comfortable because it involves the least chance of risk of rejection. One of the hardest obstacles a recovering AFC has to get over is approaching and initiating, because for more than half his life he’s avoided doing this for fear of rejection. This is what led to his AFC status and now he’s got to confront it. I should also add this is why serial monogamists chosse this option – there’s safety from random rejection in monogamy, regardless of how miserable their monogamy is. Miserable monogamy is perceived as preferable to risking random rejection, and over time a personality is welded to this subconscious understanding. “I’m just a shy guy”, “I’ve never been ‘lucky’ with the ladies”, and “I guess us men will never figure women out” are the catchphrases of this mentality.

This inspires me to keep going on this path. To have options, to not settle.

Approaching is still tough for me, but I have gotten better at reading IOIs before I approach. I’m starting to agree with Aaron Sleazy and Real Made Men who believe that you can’t create attraction. Either a woman is attracted to you at that moment or she isn’t. If she is attracted to you, you still have to run game, that is, be confident, be mysterious, etc. But if she is not attracted to you, she might humor you, but you won’t get anywhere. I don’t know. I need to approach more and think about this. However, I do know that my most successful approaches were ones where the girl and I made eye contact. If we did not make eye contact before I approached, I got nothing.

I’ve skimmed Ricky’s posts. Most of what I read I got from your comments. There’s some deep stuff there, still working my way through.

There are times when I do feel resentment and bitterness toward women. The Alpha Persona had a recent post addressing bitterness. It’s not women’s fault, that’s just how they are. But the red pill is tough to swallow. At times I’ve envious of women because they can get laid so easily. Even if I play my cards right, I can still lose the hand.

For example, last year I went to a speed dating event. There was one girl who was really into me. She gave me her card, left for a minute, came back and wrote her cell phone number on the card and asked me if would call her. But when I contacted her a few days later, nothing. I sent a text and then an email later, but nothing. Women don’t see what this does to men. I’m becoming more calloused, more aggressive. I’m more likely to say whatever to a woman and not care. I have to protect myself. Most men can only take so much heartache before giving up. My alpha friends keep telling that I can’t care. That is like the zen moment of game when you really don’t care. But I care too much. I worry that if really stop caring, I won’t be able to form a good relationship when I want one. But I also worry that if care too much in a relationship, I’ll regress to full beta. If I don’t believe that there is another woman, I’ll be afraid to challenge my future girlfriend. I’ll be afraid of being a man because I’ll think that she is the best I can get.

So I’m still going through this painful process of remaking myself.

BTW, I posted my journey to alpha on U of Man’s site. It’s a more detailed narrative of what I told you.

MAY 6

RC,

holy shit that was a great essay. wow.

gonna check out that link but it sounds like you need a blog!

your story is very compelling, and you write really well.

why don’t you just start a blog?

maybe you don’t need one — and maybe we even talked about this before, gonna check my emails — but i think a blog is just a fantastic “landing point” to organize my thoughts, consolidate my links, and capture the wisdom i find online.

you really nailed the double bind that it is to be a man, trying to get out of being beta, but still not wanting to be an asshole.

i hear you. i can only take so much rejection. and if a girl leads me on, and then rejects me, it really hurts, and it makes me want to take out this hurt on other girls.

right now i am learning to be alone again, working on my photography, and trying not to get bitter.

it’s hard.

like you said, men need sex much more than women, and so it is hard for me not to become bitter and angry and even hateful, that i am “suffering” so much.

women will never understand men’s condition. we are constantly hungry for sex. it is a physical need. and like i wrote a while ago, a physical need is an emotional need, cause not having that need met creates not just physical pain, but emotional pain.

again, great post.

i am going to post this to my site and also the link that you sent me.

keep up the writing.

oh yeah, it is also kinda cool — and painful at times — to look back months later or years later at stuff i wrote.

interesting, at least.

–

and there we have it.

i think RC needs to start a blog, asap.