i know i have written that sentence before. heartiste fucking nails it with this post:
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/freeze-frame-controlling-the-conversation/
this anecdote kicks ass:
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I’ll give you an example from my own life. I was taking a girl back to my place, a new place I had just moved into. There were boxes and piles of junk everywhere. It looked like a bomb went off. I knew any girl would balk at the mess, and that if I was in any way defensive about it, our vibe would be killed.
When she walked through the door, her expression flashed a hint of disgust. In the living room, she hesitated to take off her coat.
“Is it always like this?”, she asked as she stepped backward a bit.
I wasted no breath explaining myself.
“The door’s right there, if you want to leave,” I said with an expressionless look, while holding out my hand in the direction of the door.
“No, no, I’m not giving you a hard time about it. I was just curious.”
We had sex later on top of a mattress doubling as a bookshelf.
here’s the blow by blow:
her: is it always like this?? [with disapproval and disgust]
him: the door’s right there if you want to leave. [completely unreactive. not seeking approval. not apologizing. doesn’t care if she stays or leaves. completely indifferent to her presence. does not need her. wants to fuck her but is not NEEDY, does not NEED to fuck her. not desperate. cool as a cucumber. THAT MUST MEAN HE HAS A BUNCH OF OTHER GIRLS HE COULD BE FUCKING OR EVEN *IS* FUCKING, according to her hamster brain. THUS HE MUST BE HOT STUFF AND A GOOD CATCH AND PRESELECTED. THUS I SHOULD FUCK HIM IN CASE I HAVE A CHASE OF ENDING UP UNDER HIS PROTECTIVE WING OF ALPHANESS! TINGLE TINGLE TINGLE]
his answer was a bit harsh for me, but right on the money because of the delivery. i might have said, “maybe you should leave, i have to wake up early anyway”. but something similar. the key is in simply not caring, NOT apologizing, not showing weakness.
something similar happened to me last night. i met up with blondie at the park fountain. she was NOT dressed up nicely, just jeans and flats and sweater and coat. she was looking cute but not at all dolled up. as we were walking to the restaurant, i said, i told you to wear a skirt and high heels. she replied, i am tired. and i said, oh if you are tired then you should go home. isn’t your apt that way, and pointed to where her apt was.
i don’t even remember what she replied, but i knew she got the message: don’t complain, i am not going to take your shit, and you have to look good if you want to be seen with me.
the alpha male is choosy and picky because he has OPTIONS.
interesting comment, although by saying “no, it’s cool”, you are jumping into her frame.
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YaReally
You can just use “No, it’s cool.” for pretty much anything. Even when the words don’t make sense, it’s the intent/frame behind it they pick up on and fall into if you have a strong frame.
“this bungalow isn’t good enough for me”
“no, it’s cool. C’mere (makeout)”
“why don’t you have a car? I don’t date guys who don’t have cars.”
“no, it’s cool. What makes you think I want to date you?”
“that shirt is gay”
“no, it’s cool. What are you guys up to?”
(angry guy) “I’m gonna kick your ass!!”
“no, it’s cool. What’s your name man? (hold out hand for a handshake)”
my comment on heartiste.
Riff Dog
Her – “Is it always like this?”
Me – “It had better not be when I get back in about an hour. Cleaning supplies are under the sink.”
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@riffdog
heartiste’s original answer,
“the door is right there if you want to leave”
is better for several reasons:
1. the original answer does not address the messiness topic — that is, it doesn’t jump into her frame.
2. “the door is right there” calls her out on her aggression and completely smashes her frame with a stronger frame of “i don’t care if you leave or stay”.
3. by snipping her thread and replacing it with his own thread, he has just dominated the interaction, and proven his social superiority — all the while being unreactive and indifferent (“expressionless look”).
4. jumping into her frame by addressing the messy room — even to agree and amplify and “pretend” to boss her around — is WAY too reactive and it is transparently obvious that she has gotten to you and that you are on your heels and in a defensive mode — AND that you want her to stay because you are coming back in an hour.
5. plus it is way too long. the person who talks more is the one who is investing more in the relationship, the one who is reacting more and working harder at keeping the interation going.
6. over the top, fake asshole game would probably just make her roll her eyes and see you as a pretender, or actually offend her and make her get angry and leave. negging involves push pull, not just flat out insults.
7. lovedrop has a theory, or at least an observation, that every girl he has fucked, at some point he has proven to her that he can walk away from her pussy. that is HUGE. girls love powerful men, and the greatest power you can have over a woman is the power to not need her. by saying “the door is right there”, he has not only cut off her frame, but proven to her that he wants her but does not need here. that is extremely attractive to women.
8. in contrast, some long winded story about how she is going to clean your apt? not only is out of left field, it is try hard and is “fake” punishment, not real punishment. if she judges you, you gotta punish her for real — with the threat of withdrawing your attention and radiant energy. that is the only real punishment that chicks are afraid of, losing the attention of an alpha male.
9. frame control is the essence of game, which is why i am giving this topic so much importance.
I think I would have done like this:
Her – “Is it always like this?”
Me – “I don’t know, what do you think?” in a completely sarcastic and dismissive way, not even looking at her.